Over the years, cultivating intimacy and safety with patient-clients, the topic of relationship challenges inevitably arises. At first glance, conflict and connection might seem like opposing forces—conflict divides, while connection brings us closer. However, when approached with intention and skill, conflict can deepen connection and foster healthier, more meaningful relationships.
This article is written with deep appreciation to Rachel Hannam, my NVC teacher, and Murray Curlew, who introduced the Dyad format which is now the primary practice of the monthly practice group.
Understanding Conflict as a Path to Connection
Conflict arises naturally in relationships, whether with a partner, friend, colleague, or family member. It’s a normal part of human interaction, stemming from differences in values, opinions, or needs. The way we handle conflict, however, plays a crucial role in whether it brings us closer or pushes us apart.
When managed constructively, conflict offers a unique opportunity for growth and intimacy.
The Role of Communication in Conflict
One of the most important elements in transforming conflict into connection is how we communicate during times of disagreement. Effective communication during conflict involves more than just “getting your point across”—it requires deep listening, empathy, and clarity.
Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships highlights several destructive patterns of communication that can erode connection—what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These patterns, when present in a relationship, can signal trouble. However, Gottman’s work also shows that by recognizing these patterns and replacing them with healthier approaches, conflict can become an opportunity for growth rather than division.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen
Criticism: Instead of addressing a specific behavior, criticism attacks the character or personality of the other person. For example, “You never listen to me” is a criticism, whereas “I feel unheard when you don’t respond to me” focuses on the behavior. Criticism often leads to defensiveness and shuts down communication.
Contempt: Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen, often manifesting as mocking, sarcasm, or belittling the other person. It signals a lack of respect and can create a toxic environment where connection becomes nearly impossible. Replacing contempt with appreciation and respect is essential for maintaining connection.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness occurs when one partner responds to criticism or blame by making excuses or counterattacking. It prevents real dialogue and can escalate conflict. A more constructive approach is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and take responsibility for our own actions, even if only partially.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws emotionally or physically from the conversation, refusing to engage. It often arises out of feeling overwhelmed. It can leave the other person feeling shut out and unheard. Learning how to self-soothe and re-engage in a calm, respectful manner helps repair the connection.
Turning Conflict into Connection
While the Four Horsemen represent common negative communication patterns, they can be replaced with healthier strategies that foster connection. This is where frameworks like Nonviolent Communication (NVC), created by Marshall Rosenberg, and Robert Gonzales’ Dyad Process come in. These approaches encourage deeper empathy and clearer communication, creating space for connection even during disagreements.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
In NVC, the focus is on expressing one’s feelings and needs without judgment, blame, or criticism. This helps reduce the likelihood of falling into the Four Horsemen patterns. For example, instead of criticizing (“You never listen to me!”), you might ask "You seem a little distracted, would you like to share a dyad?"
Robert Gonzales’ Dyad Process
The Dyad Process, another powerful method, involves two people taking turns speaking and listening without interruption. One person shares their thoughts and feelings for a set amount of time, while the other listens attentively, and then the roles switch. This process can build empathy and deepen connection by allowing both parties to be fully heard without interruption or judgment. The Dyad Process can be particularly useful when conflict is arising, as it encourages vulnerability and authentic communication in a way that prevents the escalation of destructive patterns.
The Power of Vulnerability
Conflict often brings up our vulnerabilities—our fears, insecurities, and unmet needs. When we allow ourselves to show vulnerability during conflict, rather than retreating into defensiveness or aggression, we invite the possibility of greater connection. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it is a courageous act that creates space for understanding and compassion.
Learning how to navigate conflict with vulnerability, clarity, and respect can transform how we connect with others. By recognizing the Four Horsemen early on and employing strategies like NVC and the Dyad Process, we can replace destructive patterns with those that encourage growth and intimacy.
Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth
Through conflict resolution techniques like Nonviolent Communication and the Dyad Process, we can see that conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. In fact, it can be a powerful catalyst for personal and relational growth. When we confront disagreements with openness and respect, we learn more about ourselves and each other. We develop better communication skills, grow in emotional intelligence, and build stronger, more resilient relationships.
Embracing Conflict as a Pathway to Connection
The relationship between conflict and connection is not one of opposition, but of potential. Conflict, when approached with compassion, vulnerability, and clear communication, can serve as a tool for deeper connection. Rather than shying away from conflict, we should embrace it as an opportunity to strengthen our relationships, cultivate empathy, and grow together.
In the end, it’s not the absence of conflict that leads to strong relationships, but the ability to navigate conflict with grace and mutual respect. Conflict, when approached thoughtfully, can open doors to deeper connection and more fulfilling relationships.
Alexis Dennehy is a Somatic Practitioner and proud and active member of the Non-Violent Communication Community. She shares a Monthly Practice Group with Rachel Hannam and community, on the last Sunday of every month. This group is open to all.
Kommentare